Friar Tuck Shenanagans

Bovine unbalancing precedure:

Step 1 - approach bovine containment facility*
*(scan immediate and surrounding area for disgruntled bovine managers or caretakers)

Step 2 - enter bovine containment facility and direct oneself to slumbering bovine nearest the unbalancer*
*(continue to scan immediate area for previous reasons and now for any bovine excremental mounds which may impede movement and convert unbalancer into a letharge)

Step 3 – traverse through bovine containment facility en route to nearest bovine and cease movement 8.75 ft from target body*
*(while traversing, continue to scan area for reasons disclosed in step one and step two; unbalancer must be adamant about distance measurement due to the bovine’s ability to dispense lactate at high velocity which may be directed at unbalancer’s corneal region; it may be in best interests of said unbalancer to bring ocular tactical defensive duraflex shields [or OTDDS’s to veteran unbalancers] to protect corneal lens and ocular cavity, and multiple doses of lactaid if unbalancer happens to be lactose intolerant)

Step 4 – place one upper extremity (small body of phalanges) on earthen region approximately 2.34 feet ahead of lower extremity of same side (R or L orientation) and lower shoulder whilst directing it toward the pivotal unbalancing location on said bovine; this point is located between the six and seventh rib and is exactly 19 inches from spinal region*
*(when lowering body of phalanges to earthen region continue to be aware of immediate and surrounding areas for any disgruntled caretakers, any excremental mounds, and never neglect optical contact with target bovine; at this time unbalancer is in an extremely vulnerable position in reference to weight and speed ratios in comparison to target bovine; unbalancer must remain firm, intense, and prepared for anything)

~WARNING~ the orientation the unbalacer now occupies leaves them defenseless to rapid fire high velocity lactate, excremental fluids, or solids; unbalancer is also grossly out-weighed, out-numbered, and will be unable to accelerate to the speed of a bovine.

~NOTE~ if unbalancer is still prepared, mentally sound, and physically able continue to follow these written instructions.

Step 5 - to be continued...